#3 - Barack Obama

Heteros love Barack Obama. The white folk love that they're voting for a black candidate and showing off their color-blindness. The black folk love him, cuz, well I don't know-I'm white. Regardless of race, though, they love that he stands for change. They don't really care that he's pretty darn moderate, supports corporate interests, and is merely yet another puppet following a long line of puppets.

Some really special heteros love BarackO because he supports homos. These people are under the illusion that a lot of heteros (and even homos) have fallen prey to. So I'ma take this opportunity to clear something up. BarackO does not support same-sex marriage. Period. He supports hospital visits (see #2). But BarackO does what all political candidates do-he takes the "safe" road by "leaving it up to the states." Nevermind that he uses his religion to back up his stance against same-sex marriage (note: the UCC actually does support same-sex marriage, which makes this homo really freakin' confused). At least McCain (unlike his running-mate) uses the rationale of federalism to avoid looking like a religious zealot.

There are a few heteros out there who do say that they really despise the fact that BarackO doesn't support same-sex marriage. Usually they say something like this to one of their gay friends: "I love Obama. He's going to bring a lot of change we need. But I just don't understand why he won't support same-sex marriage. That's so ridiculous in this day and age." Heteros who make statements like this are usually afflicted with Supportive Hetero Syndrome. I guess we can't blame 'em. Afterall, they're voting for the more moderate candidate of the Republicrats. Which is better than voting for one of those other party candidates who will "take the vote away" from BarackO (nevermind that some actually do support same-sex marriage).

The last group of heteros out there who love BarackO are going to vote for McCain (or maybe not vote at all). They love having someone they can call a socialist and a terrorist, someone who "proves" that race isn't really a problem in this lovely country anymore, and someone who will make racist democrats vote republican this year. It's sort of a love-hate relationship, really.

So, my dear homos. As much as I've expressed my frustration about BarackO, I must admit, I did vote for him. Afterall, I've been stricken with the "stolen votes syndrome," which includes an irrational fear of voting for a candidate other than a Republicrat. I'm hoping that in 4 years I'll have recovered from this syndrome and vote for a candidate that isn't afraid to support homos.

#2 - Hospital Visits

Heteros love to talk about how they think that homos should be allowed to visit one another in a hospital. This symptom of Supportive Hetero Syndrome is so pervasive that it deserves its own entry.

Recent examples include Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John McCain, Sarah Palin, and George W. Bush. (Note: these people do not publicly support same-sex marriage.) Some heteros even think that saying this makes them homo-friendly and exempt from hetero-privilege. At the very least, this is the safest form of support for same-sex couples, and many heteros use this example to show that they aren't those mean homophobes.

When conversation with a hetero comes to this topic, allow them to feel good about their opinion on this matter. Whatever you do, don't tell them that most hospitals nowadays allow friends and family to visit, even people outside of the traditional/legal family. Telling them this might burst their Supportive Hetero Syndrome bubble, and this could be dangerous. Just simply agree with them and comment about the weather. It will save us all a lot of trouble.

#1 - Being "Supportive" (or "Supportive Hetero Syndrome")

There are certain well-meaning heteros out there who love being "supportive" of the homos. Some of them get so giddy about it, they insist on telling the world about their gay friends, lesbian family members, and queer neighbors. Many of these heteros sometimes assume that the world thinks like them, and flaunt their homo-friendliness around not-so-homo-friendly people. They also might inadvertently "out" one of their unsuspecting homos to people who aren't supposed to know, which might create more problems than "support" (but shhhh! don't tell them that!). This includes continuous labeling of their homos as gay or lesbian (or queer, if they're really savvy), or as so-and-so's girlfriend/boyfriend/partner. Heteros with "Supportive Hetero Syndrome" generally are located at one of two extremes. They either assume everyone is safe to flaunt their homo-support around, or that they only flaunt their homo-support in the presence of their homos. They haven't yet mastered the art of a balance of "outedness" about their affliction of SHS. Hopefully, time will cure this symptom of SHS.

Another means heteros use to show their super-hetero-supportiveness include telling their homos about gay and lesbian happenings in the news or around town. This includes saying, "I can't believe Obama/Biden don't support gay marriage! *gasp*," "I hear that Pridefest had a big turnout this year," and "Are you going to go to California/Massachusetts/Connecticut to get married now?". Note: they probably won't mention transgender issues or events, most likely because they don't know about them or are too confused about them (and don't want to look un-supportive by asking about transpeople).

Two subtypes of SHS include: the pride-goers and the pride-fearers. The pride-goers attend pride festivals and homo events around town, speaking about them as often as they can to express their gay-friendliness to their homos. The pride-fearers refuse to attend homo events and pride festivals, either citing the "no need to be different" clause or the "love of homos but fear of being labeled as a homo" clause (note: they won't admit this latter clause to their homos).

Heteros afflicted with SHS generally do have a threshold of support for homos: Supportive heteros will not refuse to enjoy the rights afforded to married couples. That showing of support would be too extreme and radical. And besides, they think that the homos can get married too, if they really want to.

In sum, supportive heteros really are making a difference! They let the homos know that they are loved outside the homo community, even though it might be only to allow the heteros to feel better about their hetero privilege.

We <3 our Hetero-Supporters!

Intro

My partner and I were sitting in our living room one Monday evening discussing certain repeated encounters with a certain hetero. I said to her, "Hey this is kinda like that website and book Stuff White People Like, but with a queer twist..." thus "Stuff Heteros Like" is born.