#3 - Barack Obama

Heteros love Barack Obama. The white folk love that they're voting for a black candidate and showing off their color-blindness. The black folk love him, cuz, well I don't know-I'm white. Regardless of race, though, they love that he stands for change. They don't really care that he's pretty darn moderate, supports corporate interests, and is merely yet another puppet following a long line of puppets.

Some really special heteros love BarackO because he supports homos. These people are under the illusion that a lot of heteros (and even homos) have fallen prey to. So I'ma take this opportunity to clear something up. BarackO does not support same-sex marriage. Period. He supports hospital visits (see #2). But BarackO does what all political candidates do-he takes the "safe" road by "leaving it up to the states." Nevermind that he uses his religion to back up his stance against same-sex marriage (note: the UCC actually does support same-sex marriage, which makes this homo really freakin' confused). At least McCain (unlike his running-mate) uses the rationale of federalism to avoid looking like a religious zealot.

There are a few heteros out there who do say that they really despise the fact that BarackO doesn't support same-sex marriage. Usually they say something like this to one of their gay friends: "I love Obama. He's going to bring a lot of change we need. But I just don't understand why he won't support same-sex marriage. That's so ridiculous in this day and age." Heteros who make statements like this are usually afflicted with Supportive Hetero Syndrome. I guess we can't blame 'em. Afterall, they're voting for the more moderate candidate of the Republicrats. Which is better than voting for one of those other party candidates who will "take the vote away" from BarackO (nevermind that some actually do support same-sex marriage).

The last group of heteros out there who love BarackO are going to vote for McCain (or maybe not vote at all). They love having someone they can call a socialist and a terrorist, someone who "proves" that race isn't really a problem in this lovely country anymore, and someone who will make racist democrats vote republican this year. It's sort of a love-hate relationship, really.

So, my dear homos. As much as I've expressed my frustration about BarackO, I must admit, I did vote for him. Afterall, I've been stricken with the "stolen votes syndrome," which includes an irrational fear of voting for a candidate other than a Republicrat. I'm hoping that in 4 years I'll have recovered from this syndrome and vote for a candidate that isn't afraid to support homos.